Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Oh I wish I'd looked after my feet

With apologies to Pam Ayres

Oh, I wish I'd looked after me feet,
And spotted the skin cracks beneath,
All my nails unhued,
And the open-toed shoes,
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me feet.

I wish I'd been that much more willin'
When rough around I was runnin '
To pass up barefootin,
From respect to me cloppers
And to buy proper shoes with me dollars.

When I think of the rocks I kicked,
And the foot creams unslicked,
Salt water, deep and shallow,
All those rough paths of gravel,
My conscience gets horribly pricked.

My Father he told me no end,
"Shoes and sox are a foot's best friend. "
I was young then, and careless,
My footsies were shoeless,
I never had much money to spend.

Oh I showed them the scourer all right,
I flashed it about late at night,
But scrapin' and scrubbin'
And pokin' and fussin'
Didn't seem worth the time... I could fight!

If I'd known I was paving the way,
To cracks, shame, and decay,
The murder of feeling
That uric-acid peeling
I'd have thrown all me thongs away.

So I lay in the pedicurist's chair,
And I gaze at her expression of despair,
And her sharp-bladed hoof knife,
Carves off those heels of strife,
While unbelieveing onlookers stare.

How I laughed at my Father's hard feet,
As he sanded them with relief,
But now comes the reckonin'
It's me they are beckonin'
Oh, I wish I'd looked after me feet.


Normally I would wear shoes and sox to work but this 40 degree summer brought a new fashion; elegant plastic sandals which I could wash beneath the hose. Moreover Kurgen conspired with the Callous Gods to eat every pair of house thongs forcing me into the moon-dust-on-baked-terracotta-yard barefoot HENCE my shamefull situation.

My sister could not stand their sight. She pushed $40 and a brochure into my hands crying, "Get thee to a pedicurist!".

The pedicurist was horrified for such feet are found only on farmers' shanks. I apologised profusely and she bravely activated the massage chair, filled the foot bath with water, grimly scoured and filed the nails, picked clean the cuticles, washed, massaged, carved, pummiced and moisturised the feet and THEN she painted my tonails!

It is a constant surprise to see clean, electric-blue toenails winking at me and reasonably smooth heels. They're not perfect yet but at least maintenance has begun.

Note to self: buy a hoof knife....

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